I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
