3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
He kissed a someone with a penis
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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