bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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