If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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