That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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