we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
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