I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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