My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Randomize
