Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
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