At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
