i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Randomize
