I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I need a hoe opinion
go on
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
