Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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