i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
