Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
