Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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