Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I'm way too hungover for life right now
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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