I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Randomize
