the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
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