Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
If I had your ass I would rule the world
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Randomize
