If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
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