Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Randomize
