oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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