today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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