If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Randomize
