i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
