Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
dude. I can hear the air.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
