I'm drive I can fine osifer
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
