i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I have aggressive nipples.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
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