If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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