I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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