last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
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