I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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