I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
