Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
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