just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
