i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
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