What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
My butt remains clenched, sir.
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