seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
