I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
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