I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
