Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
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