im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
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