You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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