I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
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