last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i think my mom watched the whole time
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
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