How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
