We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
