She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
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