I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
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