i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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