Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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