there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
