He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
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