K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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