He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
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