If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
