I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize