dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
