Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
