I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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