Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
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