so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
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