Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
